tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post3786902606057647384..comments2024-03-20T02:49:17.606-07:00Comments on Between Fact and Fiction: Mini Workshop: Day 1Natalie Whipplehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09978251567306345129noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-55616826008391981532010-06-03T22:03:25.582-07:002010-06-03T22:03:25.582-07:00Thanks MeganRebekah!
I am working on revising t...Thanks MeganRebekah! <br /><br />I am working on revising this, but time is so limited this week! Hopefully have revisions done this weekend.<br /><br />BTW word verification is SMORS - makes me hungry! lolAnAlaskanGirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00272643052622770745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-13678981403618743472010-06-02T15:06:40.066-07:002010-06-02T15:06:40.066-07:00I don't have feedback to add, other than what&...I don't have feedback to add, other than what's been said, but I wanted to say I enjoyed this character, she's very intriguing.<br /><br />And I second Aury's comment -- Natalie, you have a natural gift for giving a critique. Very well done!MeganRebekahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03285116194891827858noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-67604662662463154332010-06-02T13:41:00.619-07:002010-06-02T13:41:00.619-07:00I am saving this for future reference. Honestly Na...I am saving this for future reference. Honestly Natalie, you have a natural talent for critique :)Franniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02004149435514550325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-72488378544793467382010-06-01T19:28:35.069-07:002010-06-01T19:28:35.069-07:00That was outstanding, Natalie! I got so much out ...That was outstanding, Natalie! I got so much out of it. Monica thank you for letting us share in the process...Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-686559026916769892010-06-01T18:56:53.643-07:002010-06-01T18:56:53.643-07:00Thank you so much Natalie! And thanks to everyone...Thank you so much Natalie! And thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments. I have some work to do. Such great feedback!<br /><br />And H Windmiller, I'm so excited that you're intrigued by the counting stars because it is important does get explained later. :D <br /><br />All your great comments have me so excited to write, must go do so now!AnAlaskanGirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00272643052622770745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-27956237668433291112010-06-01T17:43:27.364-07:002010-06-01T17:43:27.364-07:00H Windmiller, I agree that this is an intriguing d...H Windmiller, I agree that this is an intriguing detail/character trait, but I think it could easily be weaved into a more action-based scene. <br /><br />That way not only would questions be raised, but action would move us forward in the story.Natalie Whipplehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09978251567306345129noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-42093728333012442292010-06-01T16:57:39.903-07:002010-06-01T16:57:39.903-07:00Thank you, Monica and Natalie!
I agree with most ...Thank you, Monica and Natalie!<br /><br />I agree with most of the advice given. However, I am interested in Lia because of her habit of counting stars and her mother's death; so, I wouldn't remove the flashback entirely. Instead, I suggest that the writer could focus on one detail, such as the cup that slips or her father's face, and shorten the flashback to a sentence or two without explaining that her mother didn't come home from the grocery store. This lack of detail creates compelling questions and would inspire me to continue reading. <br /><br />I am very interested in Lia's habit of counting stars. I wonder why she began this. Is it a coping method? Did she begin counting stars intentionally? How does she react when the stars are covered by clouds? Monica--you have left me with lots of great questions!Heidi Whttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15056627400336997554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-17238115748299842712010-06-01T11:30:34.196-07:002010-06-01T11:30:34.196-07:00Kudos to you for doing this...I did something simi...Kudos to you for doing this...I did something similar a month or so ago at Fiction Groupie and it was very nerve wracking!!<br /><br />I like the idea of starting with the fight. You need something fast paced to draw the reader in. <br /><br />I agree that some of the verbs can be changed to stronger words and eliminate the need for excess adjectives.Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17401931638397651614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-80686284414224717802010-06-01T09:52:03.509-07:002010-06-01T09:52:03.509-07:00Monica, you're very brave. And you're very...Monica, you're very brave. And you're very lucky to have Natalie (and many of her readers) as critics :-)<br /><br />I agree with Natalie that it may be too soon for the flashback. Usually the reader needs to be invested/grounded in the present before they're willing to stop the action and learn about the past.<br /><br />Also when you DO do a flashback, you don't have to be heavy-handed about it. I mean starting it with "[Doing such-and-such] reminded her of the time [something else happened]" or ending it with "[Sudden sound or action] brought her thoughts back to the present". Often it's okay just to go right into the flashback, and come back to the present by showing the action. If you're careful enough, the reader will be able to follow you.<br /><br />That said, there's a lot of good descriptive detail in here. I should know because I suck at descriptive detail. It's a good strength to have.<br /><br />And there are very good hints of conflict here. I agree with what was said about picking a conflict and bringing it up as soon as possible. That'll help get your reader invested. Once they're invested, you can take them wherever you want :-)<br /><br />I hope this is helpful. Good luck with your writing!Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-80167870108782425602010-06-01T09:08:00.395-07:002010-06-01T09:08:00.395-07:00Nice critique!
I have the reverse problem myself....Nice critique!<br /><br />I have the reverse problem myself. My writing is "too tight". It needs more peripherals. It reads kind of like a military itinerary :(Claire Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14354840714847021685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-51203765378876248702010-06-01T08:48:35.145-07:002010-06-01T08:48:35.145-07:00Natalie, thanks a lot for doing this. For me, this...Natalie, thanks a lot for doing this. For me, this is great because it provides insight into your own writing and vision. I really appreciate it!Davin Malasarnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09385823575081492949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-58621463197356264192010-06-01T08:46:44.782-07:002010-06-01T08:46:44.782-07:00I agree with Ann Best. And Natalie's edits/com...I agree with Ann Best. And Natalie's edits/comments. I didn't like jumping around, BUT I was interested in all parts of the story. So I think it's just a matter of arranging them best.<br /><br />Well done!<br /><br />(And do I sense some romantic tension between Lia and Pedro? Or am I jumping to conclusions? ;P)Kristanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04771013578685419826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-60310306948621512272010-06-01T08:18:21.838-07:002010-06-01T08:18:21.838-07:00Kayla, yes, a second pair of eyes is soooo importa...Kayla, yes, a second pair of eyes is soooo important. Critique is all about seeing your work in a new light. You don't have to take any of the feedback—but it helps you see and solve problems in your own way.<br /><br />And yes, if the cat breed is important, those sentences would combine well.Natalie Whipplehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09978251567306345129noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-20899022690110668402010-06-01T08:01:08.568-07:002010-06-01T08:01:08.568-07:00I agree with your feedback, Natalie. Thank you to...I agree with your feedback, Natalie. Thank you to both you and Monica for putting this out there for us to see! <br /><br />The most important lesson I'm taking away from this? A second set of eyes <i>is</i> super-important for editing. On Monica's part, I can see how some details would be easy to overlook - the Siamese cat, for example. The very fact that she's imagined the scene with a cat - a <i>Siamese</i> cat, at that - means she took time to choose those details, which makes them feel important. When Natalie comes along and sees "It looked like a long-haired Siamese," it strikes her as potentially unnecessary, where Monica may be so used to it, it might not hit her the same way. Not that Monica can't tell what's necessary or not - I bet she can! - just that it's a different reading experience for someone who's seeing the story for the first time. Though I've <i>known</i> this for a while, it's helpful to see the principle in action.<br /><br />Question, though: if it <i>is</i> important for the cat to be Siamese, would you suggest combining the last two sentences in that paragraph, to make <i>Across the alley, a large, long-haired Siamese cat leapt from the dumpster to the street,</i> or something along those lines?<br /><br />Anyway. Sorry to be so wordy. :) Thanks again, Monica and Natalie!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-30982495503163706492010-06-01T07:08:02.217-07:002010-06-01T07:08:02.217-07:00Great story and feedback! This helped me in regard...Great story and feedback! This helped me in regards to writing and critiquing skills. Thank you, Monica and Natalie!Samantha Bennetthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15712749844855298929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-76850378486802762982010-06-01T06:57:27.766-07:002010-06-01T06:57:27.766-07:00I agree with almost all of your revisions/suggesti...I agree with almost all of your revisions/suggestions. You've shown the author how to tighten the language.<br /><br />As to structure: Linear approach IS best. The reader's mind moves forward in time. It's very weak to start out with so many flashbacks--and telling, not showing, as you point out. I agree with starting with the Pedro SCENE. Always stronger to start with a scene. Set up the characters; reveal (show) tension. Flashbacks can be worked in step by step.Ann Besthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14628616245339887301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5774363178370829558.post-40661876311991362252010-06-01T06:22:19.307-07:002010-06-01T06:22:19.307-07:00I don't have much to add to Natalie. Great sug...I don't have much to add to Natalie. Great suggestions.<br /><br />Lia seems like an interesting character. Good luck with it!Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.com