How To Wallow

Today I'm going to impart vital information about something I do very, very well: wallowing.

I am a PRO at wallowing. In fact, I recommend learning proper wallowing technique. It's the most useful skill you'll ever acquire. These nine easy steps will guarantee intense misery, which is what we're all looking for, right? So without further ado:

Step 1: Stay In Bed As Much As Possible
You can't be a good wallower if you're up and about! Of course, you might have work and stuff, but don't get up until you absolutely have to. Forget the shower—a little Febreze and deodorant will cover that stench right up.

While in bed, be sure to cry into your pillow and blow the entire situation out of proportion. Use LOTS of over exaggeration. "I will NEVER EVER be happy AGAIN!" "This ALWAYS happens to ME!" If possible, have really horrible anxiety dreams and clench your jaw the entire night so you wake unrested and in miserable pain. Then you will have more to wallow about.

Step 2: Do Not, Under ANY Circumstances, Get Dressed
Pajamas are mandatory, preferably old ones with holes. It's ideal if you haven't washed them for a few days either. If you're a girl, don't wear makeup. Then you will feel and look appropriately crappy. You can't look nice when you wallow—then you might FEEL nice, which is way out of line. If people come over, they will immediately understand how horrible your life is and leave you alone.

If you absolutely must dress, at least make sure your hair is unkempt and you slump and frown a lot to convey the proper level of gloom.

Step 3: Eat Horrible, Fatty Food
You can't be properly miserable if you don't gain at least a few pounds while you wallow. Don't eat anything green—unless it's jellybeans. All your food should be fried, high in cholesterol, salty, covered in gravy, drenched in chocolate, 70% sugar, or glazed. Or all of the above.

Step 4: Read Into Everything That Happens To You
You're not wallowing properly if you see the silver lining. Spin everything around so you KNOW the world is out to get you.

You show up at the doctor's and find they lost your appointment—"I can't even schedule appointments right! I'm a FAILURE." They're out of your favorite frozen pizza at the store—"I'm such a LOSER! Why didn't I get here faster? I'm slow and worthless." Hit a red light—"I'm going NO WHERE with my life!"

These are just examples. I swear.

Step 5: DO NOT CLEAN
Clean houses are way too nice for wallowing. You might actually feel peaceful and accomplished if your dishes are done and your laundry is folded. Your house should PROVE how wretched and woeful your life is (and thus you). There should be stuff all over the floor and at least three trash bags waiting to be taken out. There should be nothing clean to wear. That way you can wallow about how you're so lazy you can't even do menial tasks.

Step 6: Tell Yourself Everyone's a Liar
The people who love and know you are WRONG. They're only saying you're smart and talented and funny because they love you. They don't actually know. They're just being polite. All those people who say you suck? Yeah, they're right. They've somehow seen all those moments in your head when you're a horrible person—they know the real you and aren't blinded by stupid love and respect.

Step 7: Blame Other People For Your Problems/Feelings
Preferably people who have absolutely no connection with you. Like JK Rowling or Nicholas Sparks. Perhaps The President. Oh, and Paris Hilton. Oprah! Yeah, it's all THEIR fault. They made you have wild expectations! Or they shattered your dreams. Or they're everything that's wrong with everything. You can't do anything about it.

Step 8: Waste Time
You're going to need a lot of distractions, because if you solve your problem the wallowing will end and you might actually have to work and fix it. The internet is a good place to start. Wasting time works especially well if you can convince yourself it's "research" or "networking" or something else that kind of sounds important but isn't.

Step 9: Compare Yourself to Others
Everyone will be better than you, so it doesn't really matter who you pick. Just make sure to compare and compare often. And if people talk about how hard they worked and struggled, ignore it. They're only saying that to make you feel better, not because it actually happened that way.


Oh, and Happy April Fool's Day.