The Flutters

It's been almost two months since I worked on Transparent, and you might remember the letter I wrote to the book. I've been reading through the 37k I had in order to get back into Fiona's mindset, and something happened yesterday.

I fell in love again.

It didn't happen right away. At first I kept getting these icky editing feelings like "Oh, that'll need to be smoothed out" and "I should probably flesh out those feelings better." But I didn't touch it—this is still a first-ish draft, afterall, even if it's a rewrite.

And then I hit page 101, and I got all mushy inside. My heart warmed. I knew for the first time in a while that this story was worth it, no matter what came of it.

It wasn't a life-changing scene. In fact, it was actually quite simple (as you'll see), one that could probably be cut if I needed. But it made me remember something—I love these characters. I love them so, so much. I love building friendships with big groups of friends, and this was one of those moments. Not only that, but this scene wasn't in the original draft, making me feel like the rewrite has been worth it in many ways.

So I'm going to share today (though this will probably make zero sense without any context, mwahaha). A rare thing, I know. It won't be up long. But this moment was so important to me—I want to hold on to this feeling forever. After all I've been through with the book...finally, I love it again.

From Transparent:

After Hector and Tony both finish their tenth, Seth clears his throat. “Would you hand me another one?”

He’s not exactly out of reach, but I’m so taken back by the civility that I comply.

“Thanks.” He glances at me, almost meeting my eyes. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

I bite my lip, wondering if this is some kind of joke. “I had a couple tacos before you guys got here. The burritos gross me out.”

“They are kind of gross.” He takes another bite.

I hold in my laugh. “Then why are you eating it?”

He shrugs, and it’s so like Miles I’m temporarily thrown off balance. “I’m starving. Free food.”

“True.” I take a long sip of my drink. What the hell is up with him? I think this is the first normal conversation I’ve had with Seth, and it’s so…well, normal.

I glance at him, and for a second it seems like all the tension in his face is gone. Just like Brady changed yesterday. I don’t understand.

“Hey.” Miles snaps me out of my daze, but when I look up I realize he’s not looking at me. He’s looking at Bea and Brady, who’re whispering to each other. “You guys look like you’re plotting.”

Bea laughs, her Trixy grin firmly in place. “Oh, we are. We thought some night games were in order after dinner.”

“Night games?” I say.

Brady’s face lights up like a five-year-old about to tell a cool story. “Yeah, you go to a park after dark and play. I call Fifi for my team.”

“Hey!” Carlos cries. “No fair! She has way too much advantage.”

“You’re the one with night vision!” Hector says.

“That doesn’t mean I can see through invisibility, stupid.”

So there you go, the scene that made me fall in love again. I still don't know exactly why, but I'm so happy it did. Rewriting is much easier when you're happy to do it.