I can't even think of a title for this post. That pretty much says everything about where I am with blogging lately. It's not that I hate it. Or that I'm afraid of what people will say. I just...I'm not even sure. Maybe I just don't feel the need to say things when others say it so much better. Perhaps I'm not interested in sharing my life and seeking attention like I used to. I really have no clue.
But I don't think in blog posts anymore. There was a time when I would be experiencing my life and stop to think, "Hey, this would be a good post. I could frame it like this and be oh so clever." That very rarely happens now.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying, or why I'm saying it. But as someone who used to post seven days a week, I guess I feel like I should have some kind of explanation for barely posting once a week. At least an explanation that isn't "Honestly, I'm kind of tired of hearing myself talk."
More than ever, I prefer to listen. There's so much to be gained by hearing other people. Really hearing them. I've spent so much time trying to scream my name into the void. I think I wanted people to know I was here and important and special, but now I don't. Not because I see myself as worthless, but more because I actually like myself finally and don't feel the need to convince others of my worth. But I like making other people feel important. I like listening to their stories and trying to understand. I like helping others realize how amazing they are.
That all sounds self-righteous, doesn't it? Eh. Oh well.
The thing is, I'm pretty happy with my life. Not that it's perfect, but I've made a concerted effort to let go of the stuff I can't control. I've tried to embrace the idea that things don't have to go my way for life to be good. I've stopped thinking about myself so much.
It's such a counterintuitive practice, this thinking about others first. It's so easy online to think about yourself and compare and wish you had more or were someone else or whatever. But if you think only about your own happiness, you somehow always stay miserable. When I stop worrying about myself and think about others, I end up having my needs met in the process of caring for others.
Sometimes I wonder if I've outgrown my blog. I feel like I spent much of my 20s doing things for ME, and blogs are so great for talking about yourself. I think that's why I started one in the first place. So I never know what to post on here anymore. I don't feel the need for attention like I used to. I don't sit around all day hoping for comments and hits like I used to. I've changed so much that I hardly recognize the girl who wrote my earlier posts.
I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. Maybe I just needed to say to myself that I'm different. I've changed. And that's okay. Maybe this is my way of letting go of the guilt I harbor when I don't blog, as if people expect me to when they probably don't.
*shrugs* I'm gonna make lunch and watch Kdramas. Hope you are all having a lovely day.
You could always take it in a bit of a different direction. If you're good with a camera, post pics of places, for example.
ReplyDeleteI get what you mean. I used to think of life in Facebook statuses. Maybe a bit of it is that we recycle thoughts, but there's no need to say things 10 times in a forum this permanent, and searchable.
ReplyDeleteRandom question: I've always loved the concept for transparent. But how did you go about spinning a plot from a hook that doesn't neccesarily have one?
Oh I totally know what you mean. I've had an online journal for like 8 years, but I have phases where I just don't feel like blogging. It's typically when RL gets really busy and I feel like I'm too busy EXPERIENCING life and to report on it would pull me out of that. Or otherwise, when I feel like I just haven't experienced anything interesting enough to tell people about. It may be a good idea to take a step back. There's no use posting if you have nothing to say and if it feels like a chore. Blogging should be enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteIt's called 'growth,' and it's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're happy with yourself and where you're at now, Natalie. Enjoy life and don't sweat the blog.
I went through something similar. I was focused inward during my 20s, much like I was in my teenage years, comparing myself to others and seeing how I measured up, but in my 30s that focus has shifted to outside of myself. Now I study other people rather like I used to in my pre-teen years. I stand still and look around and watch and think. And it's the strangest thing because by watching others and working to understand them better, I've come to understand myself a little better. And as I understand myself more, I find I don't talk about myself as much. It's unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteSort of like when you become a mom for the first time and you talk to everyone about all the new parent stuff because that has become your whole existence and it shiny and new and scary and overwhelming, but after two or three kids, you kiss the owies, tickle them until they laugh, and then clean up the mess while they watch a movie. No big deal.
It's natural to grow and change and have the focus of your blog change. You may not want to blog about the same things you did when you started out, but you have a platform here, an audience of us who like your voice. Is there something you'd like to do with this platform, this space? If you want to listen, for example, you could post a question of the week and give your commenters a chance to weigh in. Or if you don't want to manage comments, you could post your drawings and recipes as a way to vary your subject matter.
ReplyDeleteYou can post about anything you want. Freeing, isn't it? ;-)
Or you could stop posting altogether if you'd prefer, though we would miss you!
You know what, sweet Natalie? It sounds--freeing. :) Like you took a deep breath (finally). :)
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty amazing that you recognize that you're not the same person you were when the blog began. So naturally the focus of your blog will change too. And I don't think you always have to know where you (or your blog) is going, as long as you're happy and (as cliche as it sounds) you're enjoying the trip. :)
xo
ps. LOVE the two different covers for TRANSPARENT btw. Both equally made of awesome.
I go through ups and downs with my blog - sometimes I have to restrain myself from posting every day, and other times I have to struggle to post once a week.
ReplyDeleteHehe, sounds like a good place to be. Congrats! :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could do link roundups where you share your favorite reads of the week?
There's a time to read. And a time to write too.
ReplyDeleteMaria
You are growing and changing and that's always good. But I know it can feel weird. So if you continue to blog, it will be about something other than yourself. Maybe about things that will help aspiring writers. I know you will find the perfect thing and once a week is more than enough.
ReplyDeleteExcelsior!
Well put. I've made a similar transition over the past decade of going from a talker (and acceptance seeker, really), to an engaged listener and delighted question-asker. :)
ReplyDeleteOf course you need to do what's best for you, but I do hope you keep tossing these nuggets of wisdom out there.
This same thing happened to me for a while. I couldn't figure out what it was, but blogging was becoming a chore. You're find the best option for you, jyst give it time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy I'm not the only one who feels this way about blogging. I don't think in blog posts either anymore. I wish I did but other life priorities have taken over. Not to mention, I just don't know what to blog about anymore. Sadly, i don't read as many anymore either. It's something I would really like to figure out why it all changed.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that this blog has helped others! I've certainly learned a lot about the insides of publishing from you. So thanks for posting when you can -- but you certainly shouldn't feel obligated to do so.
ReplyDelete