I should be finishing Relax, I'm A Ninja this week, and for some reason I wanted to start writing the query for this book today. I figured if I got a good start now, I could refine it as I work through edits and such.
UPDATE: Revision
Toshiro Ito is a pro at secrets—that's what ninjas do best. He thought no one did it better until he discovered a ninja in the unlikeliest place: a cheerleader's bedroom. Spying on super hot Courtney Petersen was supposed to provide a peek at her bra strap. Instead, Tosh finds his neck at the edge of her blade.
When teenagers start turning up dead around the city, Tosh is certain Courtney's somehow involved. But she isn't exactly interested in spilling information. After several failed attempts to break Courtney, Tosh enlists Amy Sato (new ninja recruit and his best friend's crush) to help. They are determined to make her talk—not an easy task when their covers are role-playing, calculator-toting, uber nerds and Courtney can use her meathead boyfriend as a shield.
After they have a run-in with the murderer and no luck with Courtney, Tosh worries he and Amy are next on the list. Together they decode the strange events, and Amy's charm steals his heart in the process. Who knew their first kiss would unlock not only Courtney's secrets, but those of an ancient ninja battle raging around them? All he wanted was a girlfriend.
I hope you will consider Relax, I’m A Ninja, a YA novel finished at 80,000 words.
So here it is. Feel free to offer your assistance if you see something that doesn't make sense.
Toshiro Ito keeps secrets—that's what ninjas do best. He just doesn't realize how deceptive other ninjas are until he discovers one in the unlikeliest place: a cheerleader's bedroom. Getting dared to spy on super hot Courtney Petersen wasn't supposed to provide more than a peek at her bra strap. Instead, Tosh finds his neck at the edge of her blade. Clearly there's more going on in San Francisco than he knew about.
When a mysterious ninja nearly murders Tosh's friend and teenagers start turning up dead around the city, he's certain Courtney’s somehow involved. But she isn't exactly interested in spilling what she knows about the murderer. Tosh determines to make her talk—not an easy task when his cover is a role-playing, calculator-toting, uber nerd and Courtney can use her meathead boyfriend to fight her battles.
After several failed attempts at breaking Courtney, Tosh enlists Amy Sato (new Clan recruit and his best friend's crush) to help. He expects Amy to decode the strange events they've witnessed, but never guessed her charm would steal his heart in the process. Who knew his first real kiss would unlock not only Courtney's secrets and the identity of the murderer, but those of an ancient ninja battle now raging around them? All he wanted was a girlfriend.
I hope you will consider Relax, I’m A Ninja, a YA novel finished at 80,000 words.
Yay, queries! Nothing makes me happier than picking apart queries. (Careful, I'm about to go into editor-mode. Shields up!)
ReplyDeleteAdorable voice! And while this captures every aspect of the story, it feels more like a synopsis than a query summary. The first paragraph about Courtney could be shortened, as not all of it becomes relevant to the immediate story. My take on it:
"Until a dare to spy on cheerleader Courtney Petersen ends in a fight for his life, ninja Toshiro Ito hadn't realized how deceptive other ninjas could be. And when a mysterious ninja nearly murders Tosh's friend and teenagers start turning up dead around the city, he's certain Courtney’s somehow involved. Tosh determines to make her talk—not an easy task when his cover is a role-playing, calculator-toting, uber nerd and Courtney can use her meathead boyfriend to fight her battles. Enlisting the help of Amy Sato (new Clan recruit and his best friend's crush), Tosh never expected her charm would steal his heart in the process of breaking Courtney. Who knew his first real kiss would unlock not only Courtney's secrets and the identity of the murderer, but an ancient ninja battle now raging around them? All he wanted was a girlfriend."
And I just realized this may not be the response you had in mind when you put up your query here...dismiss everything I said if it wasn't. It's just my first instinct to whittle all queries down to a short, one-bite summary. It's a disease, really. Incurable.
This is fabulous. Cheerleader's bedroom, murdered teens, a ninja undercover as a mild-mannered uber-nerd, a love triangle and a catchy title. Um, what's not to love?
ReplyDeleteWhat about mentioning Amy sooner? Most of the query is about Courtney, but then we find out in the last couple of sentences that Amy is the love interest. Just a thought.
Sara, actually it's great how you shortened it because that makes a great "elevator pitch" length! Thanks. (It's sitting at 215 words as is.)
ReplyDeleteAC, thanks! I am struggling over the Amy aspect. She's kind if a huge part of the story. Hopefully I can figure out how to get her in there earlier.
I think it sounds a little summary-ish too. I like the idea of whittling down like sraasch suggested. Every little point isn't important. You really just want to hook. Your voice in what I've read so far of the novel is quick and breezy and I love that. This seems slower and more serious for some reason.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds fabulous and I would definitely read it :)
ReplyDeleteI haven't researched that much about queries, as yet, so I can't be much help but I did think the idea of shortening it sounded good.
Well I am no help at all about queries but I will say that the story sounds great. You have a real talent for writing action sequences and this is a perfect vehicle for you.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could offer more critical help with the letter but I've never even attempted one so I'd be out of my depth. From your description, the book really hooks but my gut is that it might be too descriptive and could possibly do with a nip/tuck but exactly how you'd go about that … clueless! Helpful aren't I?
Thanks again everyone. I have tightened it up a little and will post a revision sometime.
ReplyDeleteAs a note though, getting too much shorter would be a "pitch" length, not a query. Query is usually 200-400 words, and this is now sitting on the low end at 207.
Told you I was clueless!
ReplyDeleteNatalie, the voice in your query is great. You tell too much, though. I think the first paragraph is fantastic. It drew me in right away. It could maybe use some cutting as the sraasch suggested, but I thought it was pretty good as is.
ReplyDeleteDo you have an intro paragraph, though? Introducing yourself to the agent along with some personalization? Just wondering if you didn't include that here because it's not relevant.
I think you have a great start!
Glam, I do have the personal info and such, I just didn't bother to post it:) Thanks for the suggestions too!
ReplyDeleteJust to second Glam's suggestion. From what I gather agents like a little info about the writer plus some sort of personalization to let them know that you understand what they are looking for--maybe something from their blog if you've read it. I recall Nathan Bransford saying to shoot for the sweet spot of 250-350 words total. It looks like you're in great shape.
ReplyDeleteOkay, this is just fabulous, Natalie! The first paragraph is so adorable that it alone will probably get you tons of requests! I'm serious, it's fantastic!
ReplyDeleteHere are my thoughts.
The first paragraph is pure gold. Don't change a thing. :)
In the second paragraph I want you to clarify what the clan is. You mention new recruits, and the roleplaying, calculator toting guys, but I'm still not sure who they are, what they are. You know? Are they a secret clan of ninjas that fight crime? Or just friends? Either way, you should clarify.
Third paragraph is pretty good. You are maybe a little too vague on what the whole "first kiss unlocking ancient secrets" means, but I suppose that you do that intentionally, to draw the agent in and make them want to read the book to understand. You tease. :) Overall though, I think paragraph three is good.
As I read it a second time, I wonder if you really need to mention that Tosh and Amy fall in love. Is it really important to the story? If so, I guess you need to clarify a bit more why it is important. Otherwise, I wanted to know more about the ancient ninja battle. Just a little more. It sounds cool.
I guess it's your call. But, to me, it felt like you started with this murder and cool sinister plot thing, but then you end the query all cutesy, talking about stealing hearts and kisses and how he wants a girlfriend.
Personally, I'd end with a bit more info about the ancient ninja battle and a brief hint that Tosh and Amy fall in love.
But, again, overall, I think this is a fantastic start! Way to go, Natalie! I'm totally pumped to read this now!
Great blog! How are you doing? Hope all is well.
ReplyDeleteRenee, Amy and Tosh are the role-players:) I guess my "they" pronoun isn't as clear as I hoped. And the fact that they are together is pretty central to the story.
ReplyDeleteIt is kind of a hard balance, because I do have this sinister thread going, but it's contrasted by a lot of the ridiculous.
And about that ancient ninja battle...it would take like three books to talk about, lol. And I'd have to drop these weirdo terms like Saburau and Akuma, which would only take more explaining than it's worth...sigh. Too complex.
I can't help with the query but I love the story.
ReplyDeleteNatalie,
ReplyDeleteLove the idea! I think you've already gotten some great suggestions from other writers. Can't wait to see the revised version, and add my two cents :)
Best of Luck,
R
Tosh has a fever, and the only prescription is more Amy.
ReplyDelete