Monday, February 14, 2011

I Hate You, Valentine's Day

*Warning* Rant Ahead

If you want a fluffy Valentine's Day love post, this is not the blog for you. Go somewhere else. I am quite the Valentine's Day Grinch.

I don't know where this came from, but I've despised this day for a long time. I can never remember liking it. I'm not a holiday person in general (celebrate everyday, people), but there is something particularly annoying about the big Vday.

For me, it kind of has the Mother's Day Effect. You know what I mean—the "I'm not good enough and there are so many better mothers out there and why are you celebrating such a loser like me and there is no gesture big enough to make this 'meaningful' day truly special" Effect.

Wait, is that just me? Oops.

Anyway, this is how Vday feels for me, too. Like, really, I'm supposed to think of some expensive or thoughtful or romantic way to tell my husband I love him? Remember that time when I said, "Yes, I will marry you."? Was that lifelong commitment thing not clear enough? And worse, I'm supposed to EXPECT my husband to do some big sappy gesture for me? Can we please set ourselves up for more disappointment?

That's what really gets me, I think. As if my husband doesn't really love me unless he buys me a diamond or a dozen roses. As if my husband doesn't love me unless he takes me out to a fancy dinner and writes me poetry.

I know this isn't true. I know that's not what real love is about. I really do. And yet today always makes me feel like somehow that is important. No matter how hard I try, I still think, "Wow, look what so-and-so got. I can't believe so-and-so did that. I didn't get that. I didn't DO that. Does that mean my love is less? Does that mean I'm a sucky wife? Does that mean I'm a careless jerk?"

Ugh, I hate feeling like that. I hate "celebrating" stuff I celebrate and cherish everyday.

I know I'm gonna get a bunch of people saying that's not what Vday is about, and I should do whatever I want guilt-free. And just celebrate love, Natalie! Chill out. I surely try, but I can't deny the media's influence on me. That's what advertising wants you to do—it's so much easier for them to snag you when you claim you are immune. But, well, obviously I am influenced by what I'm told I'm supposed to want. Sure, I get raging rebellious, but still.

Sometimes I do feel ugly because I'm not skinny enough. Sometimes I do feel like a horrible mother because I didn't feed my babies organic food, or teach them to read at a year, or break my back to get them into private school. Sometimes I do feel like a horrible wife because I'm not making my husband's favorite meal and buying lingerie and oh yeah I'm STILL too fat, so of course he shouldn't buy me a freaking huge, cheesy diamond or flowers or creepy stuffed animals. Why the crap do I deserve them?

I know I shouldn't feel like that, but I do on occasion. And that is the most infuriating part. I hate that some big social entity is trying to make me feel less so that I will buy their crap or do things I don't actually want to do in hopes that it will make me feel better. No thank you.

Anyway...sorry to those of you who love today. I just don't. Bah humbug.

41 comments:

  1. I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day either and I totally get the Mother's Day thing too. But speaking of the media's influence, I saw a commercial the other day telling guys that the best Valentine's Day present was to be tested for cancer because "Why buy diamond when you have the family jewels." It was, uh, an interesting direction for the media to go in.

    In any case, have a happy holiday next week!

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  2. I so so so so agree. That is all :D

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  3. The whole meaning of the day has gone the way of commercialization, thank you Hallmark. I don't celebrate today because there's no point. Tomorrow is a different story for all the chocolate that will be on sale.

    It's okay to have meh days. So long as the next day has smiles and something good to make you forget the previous blah meh day into the past where it belongs.

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  4. =( I'm sorry. I won't say those things to you, okay? =) I get what you're saying, though. I have felt like that at times, too. Even when we were dating my husband didn't do things for me. And I understand the 'too fat' and 'bad mom' feelings. And YES we should do this every day. Maybe you should write a book called THE BAH-HUMBUG VALENTINE. OR something much more clever. But I worn you, the more you think about it and as you write, your character will, in the end, realize that there is never enough love and anything that CELEBRATES Love (even with the icky media and sales people) must be a good thing. Am I right?

    I love ya anyway! Hope your day turns out better than expected.

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  5. I think you're speaking a lot of other people's truth here, Natalie. You are definitely not alone. These "hallmark holidays" are built to make us feel like we always have to do the most fabulous thing or else we're not loving our partner hard enough. I think that is crap, personally. But, instead of getting bogged down by the whole comparison thing where I marvel that a friend's husband got her this, or she did that for her boyfriend, etc... I go the self-righteous route, ha! I don't need these things to prove my love, or to have his love proven to me because what we have is real, everyday, solid, marriage-is-good stuff. We don't make expensive plans or go over the top, and we don't feel like we're being less than others as a result because we don't need to - especially on Valentine's Day. Boo-ya!

    I learned a long time ago that some people love to show you how good they have it while others have it good and are content to keep it at normal decibels. I prefer to be one of the latter, and let the others do their own thing.

    Rant away, sister!

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  6. Hey, I know how you feel. I'm sitting here thinking I should write a poem for my wife because--you know. I just should. She loves it when I write poetry for her. Which of course means I CAN'T. Poetry doesn't come out under pressure. Roses and chocolates are a waste of money. (Not to mention that chocolates carry their own built-in guilt.)

    So, I'm going to go buy some bolts to set up the scroll saw I bought her on Saturday. (Believe it or not, that's what she wanted. Honest!) And that's a whole lot more than I usually get her. So, guilt? Inadequacy? I hear ya.

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  7. Thanks so much for this honesty! I have been working from bed all day, sick with a cold and a cough. The sniffles and trumpets from blowing my nose really aren't helping in the romance/sexiness department. And while I enjoy seeing the messages of (genuine) love and friendship on my Twitter stream, it's equally annoying to see the ones about jewelry sales and chocolates and people who are stressing over not having bought the perfect gift yet. It makes me want to scream: Really?! Why not be romantic in a spontaneous, whenever-you-feel-like-it and unique-to-you kind of way?!

    But it's okay. My husband's going to be in school this evening and I've got a date with a list of revisions for my book. That's romantic, to me anyways :)

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  8. I don't watch television (we watch everything online), but I guess I can see why it would be bothersome to see all those commercials. My husband and I love to have it as another excuse to spend time together (like we don't spend all our time together). He bought me roses and brought lunch to work, and really, it is the last day before my birthday. I can't say no to being pampered two days in a row!

    I guess I can relate more with not enjoying Christmas, and this last year, we decided to find our own traditions that make us happy and forget all the hard times. And you know what? It worked! Maybe just find something that will make you happy, and if it is just a night to snuggle on the couch with your family and order in pizza, that sounds pretty good to me! Husband decided to do the cooking and we are popping in "The Fifth Element".

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  9. I ride the fence on this one. I'm not one of those girls that expect flowers. (chocolate is a different matter) But I don't hate it either. When I went and picked up my daughter from school (elementary by the way) there were so many kids with balloons and flowers. Guess what I did? Cut my daughter's sandwich in the shape of a heart. Did she ask where her flowers were? Of course not!
    My husband and I aren't even exchanging gifts. We decided the only thing we wanted was to get out of the house and have someone else do the cooking, cleaning and putting the kids to bed. Now that says love!

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  10. Eh, I don't "celebrate" any of the Hallmark holidays. When it comes to romantic love, I only celebrate my anniversary, and even then I would rather DO something with Bear rather than give/get something. (Last year we went to Six Flags Great Adventure's Frightfest. Because we are huge, overgrown children. Beats getting chocolate--which I don't even like--and roses anyday!)

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  11. Amen, Natalie!

    We do the obligatory card exchange, but don't make all that much fuss.
    Valentine must have been a greeting card manufacturer.

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  12. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't care about getting flowers and chocolates and whatever on Valentine's day. It means way more to me when my husband leaves a note on my pillow three weeks ago because he wanted to, instead if caving to the social pressure that says he has to prove his love. He does that every day.

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  13. Wait, there are chocolate sales tomorrow??! Hereby I dub Valentines day The Day Before Chocolate Sale Day! Wait, even if there are huge chocolate sales I'm not allowed to gorge myself because of my insurance?

    bah. At least we get to watch Firefly tonight!!!

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  14. Valentines Day is totally a commercial holiday. A gift means so much more when it's spontaneously given than one done under the duress of a holiday. I look at it now as more an excuse to have an out of weekend (usually) date with my hubby.

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  15. So glad to know I'm not alone...even while I fight to distance myself from the maddening crowd!

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  16. Great post. It seems a little odd against the "LOVE" and hearts background theme, but great post.

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  17. Ben, I LOVE that you bought your wife a scroll saw! That's exactly what I was thinking I need today. Those are the gifts I love anyway. My husband knows I'm not a flower/jewelry person (actually I hate getting stuff like that,especially the jewelry). The gift that I loved the most that my husband bought was for Valentines last year, and that was a paperback of THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST. He thought he did a bad job (esepcially considering it wasn't a hardback which I prefer) but I LOVED that he thought to do that.

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  18. Ugh...'madding crowd' of course :-/

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  19. I agree! Valentine's Day is an annoying holiday and I hate being told to be romantic and buy gifts. So my husband and I just don't do it. But I will totally take advantage of discount chocolate boxes and candy hearts tomorrow! Only thing this day is good for!

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  20. I am totally with you on this. It's not just because I'm single. I've always hated it. It's about corporations guilt-tripping everybody into buying stuff mostly nobody wants. I think most guys are terrified of the holiday and never know if they've bought the right thing. Save the money for your anniversary and take a weekend getaway--that's romantic.

    So is a scroll saw, if that's what she wants. Love that, Ben! And what a great last name you have for this post!

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  21. Valentine's Day has never been a big deal for my husband and I (though I can see how all the media messages would muck you up). Stupid media.

    Lucky for me, Valentine's Day falls smack in between my hubby's birthday on the 8th and our anniversary at the end of the month. Compared to those two, it's a weak, unimportant thing. Plus we don't have TV. :)

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  22. I worked at a Hallmark store for four years. That will ruin Valentine's day for just about anyone. Saturday afternoon I was sitting here with my husband and said, "You know Monday is Valentine's day. Let's not doing anything. "
    His response? "I knew I married the right woman!"

    That is good enough for me!

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  23. I feel exactly the same. Personally, I think Valentine's Day is really a conspiracy cooked up by the flower, candy, greeting card, and jewelry companies to rip off the American public. And I don't like the expectations that go along with it.

    Do we really need a designated day where we're supposed to be extra nice to each other? Show the ones you love that you love them every day!

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  24. I love me some Valentine's Day. Because there's no better way to get the in-laws to babysit four children than to say, "We'd like to go out for Valentine's Day." Most years, it's worth a sleepover. That's powerful stuff. I'm not willing to waste it.

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  25. If it makes you feel any better, the historical roots of Valentine's Day actually go back to a 3rd century Christian martyr and a pagan fertility holiday. So people are really celebrating blood and violence and sex (mwaa-haa-haa-haa) ;)

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  26. I'm with you! Hubby and I voted not to do anything this year because we always feel silly doing it. Sheep following the crowd, "Baaa!"

    And you know what? We had a great day today.

    We are going away this weekend though to run a 1/2 marathon. It just happened to be the same week as V-day, but that's not why we are doing it. Who voluntarily runs 13 miles for a V-day gift? LOL

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  27. My hubs and I never celebrated Valentine's Day. Not for any strong feelings for or against it, really: we just started dating at the end of February, and have always observed our dating anniversary rather than Valentine's Day. Even before that, my dad's birthday is 2/13, so his birthday celebrations always eclipsed VDay.

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  28. I don't actively hate Valentine's day, but I think it's really silly and a little sad that so many people need a special day to tell their special someone that they are, in fact, special. It's just a commercial ritual, pretty much what Christmas has become.

    I "celebrated" today by watching cartoons with my love and the kids and he bought me the gift of a gyro (which was delicious, btw). It was a really nice day without a single card or flower exchanged. I know it's nobody else's ideal, but for me it was wonderful.

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  29. My hubs and I feel super "meh" about it. We never do much, but if it falls on a day that we can go out with friends and have an excuse to hang out together, we will. Monday is a pretty lame day though :)

    But this is my lucky year! He's out of town, I'm alone for 4 days with 5 kids and I bought myself a gift this morning:

    MOUSE TRAPS.

    Yeah, you guessed it! Happy Vday to me!

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  30. My wife and I are with you all the way!

    Love isn't boxes of chocolates or bunches of flowers sent on one day out of the year. Love is massaging out a cramp in your partner's leg at 2 in the morning. It's putting the kettle on without being asked because you know they had a bad day. It's staying up late even when you have work in the morning just because you feel like having a chat.

    Keep the faith, Natalie!

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  31. My husband I never celebrate Valentine's Day either, but my 5-year-old made me a "love bug" and a card in school and told me, "Valentine's Day is when we celebrate that we love each other. We love each other every day, but I made this for you anyway." So cute.

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  32. As a single girl, I've got my own issues with V-Day, but I do try to make the most of it each year, otherwise I'd be miserable. lol

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  33. John Green (of Nerdfighter fame) said in his vlog yesterday that if you have to buy expensive gifts only on this one day, you're doing it wrong. As he said this, we followed him on a trip to the mall to buy his wife shampoo.

    I spent Valentine's Day with my creative writing group. Then with my roommate and a few of her friends, all single. We ate salty snacks and watched Iron Man. I'm pretty sure I would have done the same if I were taken.

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  34. We boycott Valentine's Day at my house. Have since the first year we were married. If you have to tell someone you love them, it just doesn't mean anything. Mother's Day on the other hand... that's the day I don't have to lift a finger, so as long as my husband is willing, we'll celebrate that forever!

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  35. "I know I'm gonna get a bunch of people saying that's not what Vday is about,"


    Don't think me a horrible bitter person, but that IS what valentine's day is about. I used to work at a floral shop (I blogged about working on VD) and I saw a very large selection of people that week (and mother's day too. while I applaud the sentiment behind mother's day I still can't stand the holiday) And mostly it is the petty, strange expectations, and feelings of inadequacy that are uppermost in this holiday. The stories I could tell. Don't feel bad for noticing what's there. There are a few people that are above that and do celebrate their love, but they are the ones that are doing it everyday.

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  36. Haha. My hubby and I dated for three years before getting married, and somehow we managed to break up every year for V day. ANd we still got married.

    I love V day because this year hubby bought me a choc cheesecake, which I am able to eat without feeling guitly. So v day=guilt free chocolate. I *think* I don't like the cards and flowers and stuff, but the reality is that when I'm given those things, I tear up. But no card this year and it didn't bother me.

    I really don't like dying flowers, though. It's just sad.

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  37. I stopped watching TV several years ago and it has helped with the media overload stuff.

    My boyfriend and I went to a diner yesterday evening and had hot dogs. He felt bad because he couldn't take me somewhere nicer, more expensive, and I told him that I LOVE hot dogs (I do, in fact, love hot dogs) and I wouldn't care if we were at the local landfill. I just want to be with him. I meant it, too.

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  38. Yay! I'm another anti-Valentine's Day person :P Sometimes my hubby and I go out to eat, at like Cracker Barrel or Bob Evans, but that's it. I'm fine with that. Or just sitting at home like I do every night. Whichever. :)

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  39. Oh, good, there's more of us out there who don't like Valentine's Day.

    Very well put, Natalie.

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