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| Me, not even a year ago (May 21, 2013), with my debut novel at the bookstore, all signed and official. (Yeah it's blurry but it's the only pic I have.) |
Friday night was a particular mess, since I had to say goodbye to my parents and little sister, who moved all the way across country to Florida. They have always been within a 10-20 minute drive, and now…all my immediate family is either in New Zealand or Florida. And here I am in Utah, a little bit adrift.
But anyway, as I was crying and mad at the world, I kept thinking, "Man, what the crap is WRONG with me? Yeah, it's all hard, but at the same time I'm way more angry and upset than this merits."
And then the thought came to mind: "Oh yeah…I'm on sub."
Being on submission to editors is kind of like having a little monster on your back that gets heavier and heavier the longer it's there. Sometimes you hardly notice its presence, and other times it gets heavier and you remember what you're carrying and it all feels so crushing you just want to push it off and move on at normal speed.
That weight? It makes you cranky. It makes you sad. Sometimes you don't realize that little monster is the root of the problem, but it often is. Every time I've been on sub (and that's been many times now), I become a worse person. It's the depressing truth.
I feel like such a failure. Every pass is like that little monster getting heavier. Yes, even though I have three books coming out before I reach one year of being a published author, I feel like a total FAILURE. It's ridiculous. (But not uncommon, I believe.)
I know it's not rational, but all the "this was great but not right for me" and "your books aren't meeting expectation" and "I didn't connect with the mc" and "I felt like the plot relied too much on The Issues" (whatever that means)…it gets to you. You move past it for the most part, but there are days when they sneak up on you, all the little monsters in the forest following you around and waiting for you to look back and remember they're right behind you.
So as if sub isn't stressful enough, I have my family leaving me and another book releasing in three weeks and a rough draft I'm trying to FINISH in that three weeks. No wonder I'm such a wreck, right?
You have to cut yourself some slack during these times, remember that while you don't WANT sub to hurt—it just adds up. The weight gets heavier and heavier. So be kind to yourself. Try to remember how far you've come, even if it seems impossible to get where you want to be. I've been pulling out old pictures like this one above to remind me of my journey, both the good and bad parts.
And maybe more importantly, warn the people in your life that you will likely be cranky during this time. Tell them about the heavy monster on your back. Maybe they can't carry it for you, but they can support you along the way if they know it's there.
Dude, being on sub is the worst. You described it perfectly, it's like a monster on your back. Seriously though, THREE books in your first year. That's reason to celebrate!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tyler. And yes, I really am trying to be proud of myself no matter how heavy that stupid monster gets:)
DeleteIt's strange, I never had that heavy defeated feeling while on sub because I kept having hope that the next editor might like it. Six months passed and it just kind of drifted off. Though I was already focused on a different project so maybe that's why. This next project on sub, I might start freaking out. You're right to be kind to yourself. This is a tough business and it's usually a long game. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI envy you;) My anxiety and sub are like a deadly cocktail that create wonderful panic attacks.
DeleteNatalie, does your agent tell you every time there is a "no" from an editor? If so, change the communication. My agent and I agreed that she wouldn't tell me, So we spoke very little about the submissions when we emailed. We would talk about future projects and editing current ones and Harry Potter!
ReplyDeleteThen I got the email from her about an offer! It was the only email that mattered.
I ask for simple yes or no unless some of the feedback could be useful for an edit. I don't think I could wait for a yes…I'd be too stressed wondering what's happened!
DeleteIt is harder than I expected. Writers are freaking warriors.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDelete*hugs* Oh gosh, I feel for you. My sister and nephew/niece live 5 mins away and I would DIE if they left. (A few years ago we moved 2,000KM from where my brother lives! And that was hard too.)
ReplyDeleteNatalie, I admire you for your bravery. I'm floored to hear that you have three books coming out by the end of the year! That is such an achievement, and one I can only aspire to. :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a state of perpetual tension, and then when you have your family leaving after so long having them close by, that really does exasperate it.
ReplyDeleteI've never been on sub, unless you count submitting stories to tiny literary magazines or writing contests. But I can definitely relate to the sense of having a weight on your back; that's how I feel when I wait anxiously for feedback from my dissertation committee, because I'm so afraid of what they're going to say and that my work won't be good enough to enable me to complete my graduate degree. But what you wrote about remembering how far you've come made me feel better. And I hope that YOU feel better soon too!
ReplyDeleteIs March just naturally a busy time for writers? This is the third author blog post I've read today about stress, deadlines, and overscheduling.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, you got this far, it's An Accomplishment, and no future failure can undo your past success.