Today I sent out my first agent query letter. Wow, I was shaking just pressing the send button. Even after spending nearly two years writing and editing this book of mine, I still have a hard time believing any of it happened. There was a time I thought I would never write a book, even though is has been one of my greatest dreams since I was young.
I can remember being a young child, writing my little book Oh Brother! The words are so simple, looking back at it, but I remember how funny I thought it was. My own little drawings I thought were masterpieces, now they are cute scribbles. I remember being frustrated that I couldn't do it better, that I didn't have more time, that I was only a little kid and my words didn't come out just the way I wanted.
As I got older I wrote and wrote. I still remember learning the essay for the first time–I'm sure I am one of very few that was in love with the whole concept. I would get a pad of paper and pick a topic and write my essay. For fun! In junior high I got up the courage to write some books that I had ideas about. I let my friends read them and they begged for more, but I never finished any of those stories. I got scared. I told myself I shouldn't get my hopes up for being a writer, but still the thought lingered over years. So I settled on expository writing and persuasive writing, instead of my creative writing beginnings. It was here that I could get a job; make a living; all that jazz.
But now I'm here, sending in a much bigger creative book as a much bigger kid. And still I feel the way I did then–completely in love with writing and all its dips and curves, and terrified that this is what I want. I have wanted to give up so many times, and I have ignored this dream for a long time, believing that there was no way I could ever do something so grand as publish. Well, maybe I won't ever get published, but somewhere between that 5-year-old kid and the 23-year-old me I've finally got up the gumption to give it a try no matter how hard I fall. So now when I'm eighty and still dreaming away, I can at least say I gave it a good honest try, and I know that will give me some amount of peace.