Tomorrow will be 7 weeks since TRANSPARENT came out. I can't believe it's been that long already, and yet at the same times it feels like forever ago that I was stressing over that very special day when I officially became a published author.
It's all just...weird.
I mean, for the most part it's just the same as it was before. I am still working on the same projects. I still live in the same place and have the same kids and life. I still struggle with my confidence more than I like. Pretty much everything is the same, save for the fact that anyone can go and purchase my words if they so choose.
But things have changed, too. In little ways. Mostly I've noticed people in my non-writer life treat me differently. People will most often ask me about how my book is doing right off the bat. This is a question I still haven't found the right answer to, and I kind of dread it.
Because I don't know how my book is doing. In fact, I'm too scared to search out any kind of "signs" that it is or isn't selling. "Scared" might be too light of a word—I'm really quite terrified. I hate failing more than anything, and if TRANSPARENT isn't "meeting expectations" I honestly don't know how I'll take that. So I have made a concerted effort to stay in blissful ignorance. I know it can't last forever, but I'm delaying that particular reality for as long as possible.
The other question that scares me is, "What's next? What are you working on now?" I get this one more than ever these days, and I also have no real answers. Because even if I do say what I'm working on, that doesn't mean it will SELL. And I certainly don't want to get people excited about a project that may never see the light of day. I've done that before (hello, Relax, I'm A Ninja). It sucks.
And then there's the new comments like "How's the famous author doing?" or some variation, that kind of blow my mind while also making me squirm. How in the world am I supposed to answer that?
I think what's hardest for me to accept right now is that other people see me as a Real Live Author. This sounds ridiculous, I'm sure, but I'm still trying to get used to the idea myself. I keep thinking at some point it will feel real, and even now that it's here sometimes it still feels like a dream. So when I see other people treating me as official it totally freaks me out.
It's all so new, this author thing.
And this isn't to say that it's been bad or that I in anyway regret publishing my book, but I have been surprised by my own emotions through the whole process. Even now post-debut I am still surprising myself in how I feel about everything. I'm often confused about how I think I should be feeling versus how I actually feel.
I hope in a few months time I'll be better able to understand what I'm feeling, so that I can express it better. For now I'm just calling it Post-Debut Stress and praying it fades soon.