Monday, January 23, 2012

Not Going There

It's really easy to go there as a writer. And by "there" I mean that icky place where you feel miserable about your writing and career, and you look at what others have and wonder if it's better than what you have (or worse, truly believe it is better). It's easy, at any phase, to feel sorry for yourself, to wish for more, to be jealous.

Over the past five years I've let myself go there a lot. Once, I even wrote a book because I read one and thought, "Wow, I can do way better than that just you watch." (It wasn't better, by the way.) I have read book deals for friends and felt that twinge of jealousy. Heck, I've read book deals for total strangers and gone into jealous rages/massive pity parties. I've compared everything possible to compare—followers, comments, tweets, books, agents, editors, pub dates, covers, advances, conference attendance, book signing attendance, tours, swag, and on and on.

Frankly, I'm tired of going there.

It's taken me far too long to figure out that going to that place makes my life more complicated than it needs to be. It makes me unhappy with who I am, which results in a lot of nasty things like depression, anxiety, jealousy, overworking, pandering, ingratitude, insecurity, and eventually a severe lack of productivity. All of these things get in the way of my life, my work, everything. And I've finally figured out that I've basically been making it harder on myself.

I've been reading the Turning Points on Nova Ren Suma's blog, and I think I'm personally going through one of my own right now.

I've finally realized I don't have to go there.

I don't have to be jealous of the seven-figure deals. I don't have to wish my book was published two years ago. I don't have to try to be this author or that one. I don't have to worry about being mid-list or paperback. I don't have to stress over reviews. Or mourn the fact that I'll never get an award (yes, I panic over things not even on my publishing radar).

I can be happy with what I have. I AM happy with what I have.

The more I get to know writers from all publishing circumstances, the more I've learned that not a single one of those paths is easy. Not a single one will automatically make you happy. Trust me, there's always something wrong if you feel like looking for it. Which means the flip side is true, too—there's always something wonderful if you feel like looking for it.

For a long time I preached this attitude because I knew that was how I should feel, but deep down I was still struggling with it. I'd hoped that by writing it out maybe I could convince myself to snap out of it or something. It didn't really work.

But lately I've been able to stop myself from going there, and it's been so liberating. I never want to go to that place again. Life is so much easier when I let myself embrace what I have, enjoy what I do, and celebrate the victories of others.

20 comments:

  1. I haven't been writing as long as you, but maybe that's way, I haven't gone 'there' yet. I'm still in the honeymoon phase.

    I'm always in awe of your honesty and hope to follow your advice when I get 'there.' Thanks again for being true to such a difficult topic.

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  2. "There is always something wrong if you feel like looking for it"

    That is an awesome quote and so true. It is super easy to feel like everything is not what I want it to be in my writing life and otherwise. Thanks for the reminder to snap out of it and be glad for what I have.

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  3. The funny thing is that so many of the people we feel less than, themselves feel less than someone else. As if we all think there's some perfect culmination of authorhood that someone else has--when in reality, we each have a basket full of good experiences and bad ones.

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  4. I've had a few moments like that, but not many. My journey is my own. And since I'm already beyond where I imagined, I feel really damn fortunate.

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  5. Well said. I went there a lot during my journey as a writer and you're right, it's a rotten place. I'm so happy you embraced you and your talents just the way they are. Funny thing is, there might be someone out there that "goes there" because they envy you. Funny kind of life.
    Have a great day.
    Liz

    http://novel-moments.blogspot.com/

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  6. The comparison thing can be so crippling. I get it. I know I had a lot more fun with my writing when I just worried about producing a good story instead of obsessing over everyone else's success or making the right contacts. And then, whaddaya know, one led to the other. It's been a good life lesson for me.

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  7. "Trust me, there's always something wrong if you feel like looking for it. Which means the flip side is true, too—there's always something wonderful if you feel like looking for it."

    Yes! So true!

    It's much easier to SAY "I'm not going to go there" than to actually NOT go there, but it's a valiant resolution, and one I've been working on myself lately too. Thanks for the reminder/companionship!

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  8. There's at least one thing (but in truth many more) that every author can claim as theirs and theirs alone - regardless of who they try and compare themselves to.

    NO ONE other than you can put the smile on a reader's face that was created by their enjoyment of your words. They might have enjoyed other books; they might enjoy new books after they've read yours, but for that moment, it's yours and only yours, and no one else can ever claim that.

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  9. I struggle with that nearly ever single day. I force myself to not complain or whine or vent anywhere...cause we're told we shouldn't. Thank you for posting this.....let's me know I am not alone. I try to only throw myself a pity party for one day..and then use those pity feeling for motivation instead on the next day. Works sometimes...other days, not so much.

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  10. Nicely done, Natalie. The rest of us are celebrating YOUR victory, too.

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  11. Such a good post, Natalie. Thank you for putting into words what a lot of us have thought. I'm fairly new to having a book deal, and I've been shocked (horrified?) by how I keep "going there" and getting ridiculously jealous of, like, anything. I hope that I can soon get to the same place as you and just accept it and move on, and not get bogged down in the comparisons.

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  12. Yes, yes, yes! Made that leap myself this year and it's liberating. I still fret too much over the rejections, but the downs are less long lived.

    Cyndi

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  13. Yeah, except for Snooki's book, I try not to go there either!

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  14. I really needed to read this right now, thank you. I just had this massive freak out all over my blog about trying to balance the various aspects of my life, and it always ends with me doubting myself as a writer... Then I see other's successes and want to dramatically cast aside my macbook pro and dissolve into a puddle of 9-5 angst.

    Anyways. Can't go there. Maybe for a night, just tonight. I go there, I wallow around, but tomorrow, I have to come back.

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  15. Nova's blog series does wonders. I still struggle about "going there" but it's getting better.

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  16. In other news, aren't you, like, under thirty? I remember you're a good bit younger than me. Regardless, just by looking at your photo I can tell you - Girrrrl, you got time. You've got so much time. Maybe you won't get to your best writing until you're in your seventies. Maybe you won't win awards until you're in your eighties. Life is, if we're lucky, a very long adventure, and there is time. So much time. Writing isn't a sprint, and it isn't even a marathon. It's one of those 100 mile races for crazy people who lose their toenails by the time they cross the finish line.

    I'm glad you're taking yourself out of the pressure cooker. If you stayed in there, no way you're making it toenail-less to the finish line.

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  17. Thank you. I'm in one of these cycles right now. Probably because I'm in first draft mode and I think my writing is beyond worthless and never going to get better. It's nice to read this bit of inspiration--your blog always does that for me :)

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  18. Yup. I feel this pain all too well. It happens every time I check my amazon rating and see it slip another thousand away from ever being read. Sigh. The good news is other peoples misery cheers me up no end. The other good news is I gave you an award. Go here: http://magickless.blogspot.com/2012/01/kreativity.html to see what it is about. Don't know if you do these things... I tend to make them into whatever I want.

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  19. Funny, how this post and T. S. Bazelli's "Everyday Magic" is somehow connected. At least for me. She said: "When you're having a bad time in your life, you might read a book that changes everything. Any sooner or later, and it wouldn't have made a difference." - and 2 minutes later I've found this post. Coincidence? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it really helped me not particularly with my writing, but with some other stuff. :)

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