I can't even think of a title for this post. That pretty much says everything about where I am with blogging lately. It's not that I hate it. Or that I'm afraid of what people will say. I just...I'm not even sure. Maybe I just don't feel the need to say things when others say it so much better. Perhaps I'm not interested in sharing my life and seeking attention like I used to. I really have no clue.
But I don't think in blog posts anymore. There was a time when I would be experiencing my life and stop to think, "Hey, this would be a good post. I could frame it like this and be oh so clever." That very rarely happens now.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying, or why I'm saying it. But as someone who used to post seven days a week, I guess I feel like I should have some kind of explanation for barely posting once a week. At least an explanation that isn't "Honestly, I'm kind of tired of hearing myself talk."
More than ever, I prefer to listen. There's so much to be gained by hearing other people. Really hearing them. I've spent so much time trying to scream my name into the void. I think I wanted people to know I was here and important and special, but now I don't. Not because I see myself as worthless, but more because I actually like myself finally and don't feel the need to convince others of my worth. But I like making other people feel important. I like listening to their stories and trying to understand. I like helping others realize how amazing they are.
That all sounds self-righteous, doesn't it? Eh. Oh well.
The thing is, I'm pretty happy with my life. Not that it's perfect, but I've made a concerted effort to let go of the stuff I can't control. I've tried to embrace the idea that things don't have to go my way for life to be good. I've stopped thinking about myself so much.
It's such a counterintuitive practice, this thinking about others first. It's so easy online to think about yourself and compare and wish you had more or were someone else or whatever. But if you think only about your own happiness, you somehow always stay miserable. When I stop worrying about myself and think about others, I end up having my needs met in the process of caring for others.
Sometimes I wonder if I've outgrown my blog. I feel like I spent much of my 20s doing things for ME, and blogs are so great for talking about yourself. I think that's why I started one in the first place. So I never know what to post on here anymore. I don't feel the need for attention like I used to. I don't sit around all day hoping for comments and hits like I used to. I've changed so much that I hardly recognize the girl who wrote my earlier posts.
I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. Maybe I just needed to say to myself that I'm different. I've changed. And that's okay. Maybe this is my way of letting go of the guilt I harbor when I don't blog, as if people expect me to when they probably don't.
*shrugs* I'm gonna make lunch and watch Kdramas. Hope you are all having a lovely day.