Friday, February 22, 2013

Three Months Until I'm Published

Late last night, on my way to Taherah Mafi's and Ransom Riggs' signing at The King's English, I realized it was the 21st, which meant that TRANSPARENT was exactly three months from debuting. My reactions were as follows:

1) Oh yeah! I have a book coming out! Cool!

2) Three months isn't that far away.

3) How did it take me the WHOLE DAY to remember that? Whatever happened to me counting the hours in meticulous insanity?

Ah, publishing time. I suppose I've been waiting so long that I have finally stopped actively waiting for stuff. That's a nice feeling. I remember when waiting consumed every moment of my life to the point that I had a nervous breakdown. I remember when watching time go by with nothing happening made me angry and frustrated.

Two years ago, I was getting ready to go on sub with TRANSPARENT. It had been three months since I gave up on my previous submission, so nineteen months since I'd gotten an agent. This was my "last ditch effort" at the publishing thing—if TRANSPARENT didn't sell, I'd decided I couldn't put myself through more. I would disappear and live my quiet life happily without the waiting.

Six weeks later I had an offer. And it was awesome, though I cried at the thought of having to wait 25 whole months until my book actually hit shelves. Would anyone even care by then? Would I care? How in the world would I blog for two more years when I was already out of material? It felt so far away—it WAS far away—and yet looking back I think I'm grateful for these past two years of waiting. It might sound disturbing, but they kind of beat me into submission. I've been forced to focus my efforts elsewhere, since there was nothing I could do about my determined publication date.

So I wrote other stuff. I had a baby. I lived my life and discovered there was a lot more to me than waiting to be published. Sadly, in my pursuit of an agent and a sale, I had forgotten that. I learned to cook new things. I made new friends. I savored moments I had previously deemed worthless when publishing consumed my life. I realized how messed up I was, how skewed my priorities had become.

Now, three months out from publication, I'm kind of shocked at how zen I feel about it all. If I'd debuted two years ago, I imagine I'd be reading every review and stressing over rankings and driving myself insane. Those are things I rarely think about these days. My eyes are on my own paper, my own stories, and I'm just trying my best to get better.

I have no way of knowing if I'll be able to maintain these sentiments as publication approaches, but I sure hope I can.


18 comments:

  1. I, for one, am so excited to get my copy. You're a great example of how to pursue dreams without letting them consume your life. What an adorable family you have. Can't wait to read it!!

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    1. Ha, I don't know about the "without letting them consume your life" part. I was pretty unhealthily consumed for several years, and I do regret that even though I've moved passed it.

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  2. Wow, down to three months now? That’s great. :) I’m really looking forward to getting to read Transparent. I’ve yet to decide whether I’m going to buy the UK or US edition: Covers! Dilemmas! Either way, just so you know: I really admire your perseverance, even though you say you were just about ready to give up.

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  3. Happy three months away! What a wonderful place to be in your journey :)

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  4. So close yet so far! What a wonderful journey you're on.

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  5. I feel that as I get older, I tend to float with the wind a bit more and embrace a Zen attitude. With that said, my birthday is May 21, and there is nothing Zen-like about my desire to read TRANSPARENT after my bday dinner!

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  6. Very lovely post! I'm so excited for you! :D

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  7. Funny how time, and lots of it, can give you so much more perspective. Hope you have a happy, review-free release day full of zen!

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  8. I certainly sympathize with your frustration and, way back then, how you considered giving up. (Although having an agent is hugely encouraging in itself.) Sometimes I think if anyone ever publishes the novel I'm querying/subbing now, it'll be too late since I've lost a lot of the rose-colored-glasses love I had for it.
    Thanks for the honesty of your post. I hope your books rocks the bestseller list when it comes out! :-)

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  9. Beaten into submission, eh? Yikes. I don't like the sound of that! And I am NOT going to have another baby to pass the time ;). How about a trip to Hawaii to pass the time?! haha. You are a brave soul! And it will all be worth it!

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  10. WOW; I cannot wait to get these books. It's so amazing though the process. Oh and I love King's English bookstore :)

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  11. I think I would have cried if I'd been told I had to wait that long, too. But soon you get to see it all happen! I'm so happy for you.

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  12. Confession: As someone who had to query four projects over four years to find an agent and has now been languishing on submission for longer than I'd care to admit, I find this post more discouraging than anything. It's not that I begrudge you for reaching nirvana (I don't!), but I do feel guilty for not having figured this out, too. All the stress of waiting finally broke me a few weeks ago, but instead of letting that experience mold me into a better person, I feel like all I've let it do is deaden my senses and make me retreat.

    Unfortunately, knowing what you SHOULD do and actually doing it are two very different things...

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    1. Oh, Krista, please don't be discouraged! I've made so many mistakes along this road I can't even count them. And I've spent years not even close to the place I am right now mentally. Like, four years battling major anxiety and panic attacks...sadly over publishing.

      And we have a lot in common! I queried four project before getting an agent! That took two years, and then I spent almost 2 more on submission. It is the most brutal part of this process, and you are completely allowed to feel crummy about it. I sure did.

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  13. I'm so happy for you, Natalie. Looking forward to your debut!

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  14. I'm late to the party, but just wanted to say:
    1. Congratulations! That is SO awesome and it could not have happened to a nicer, more-deserving person. I've followed your blog for a few years now and am honestly SO happy for you!!!
    2. I really love this post. It's so awesome to read how you've gotten to a more zen mindset. I feel like this journey happens in so many different ways...for me it was yoga, for you, apparently, publishing beating you into submission (lol), whatever it is, it seems we end up in a place of surrender. And in that surrender is a peace. So happy for you on that count too!

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  15. I love your "zen" and I hope I can attain it without my usual rampage of drama beforehand. Fingers crossed. :-)

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  16. Three months are going to pass by in a flash.

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