*Warning* Rant Ahead
If you want a fluffy Valentine's Day love post, this is not the blog for you. Go somewhere else. I am quite the Valentine's Day Grinch.
I don't know where this came from, but I've despised this day for a long time. I can never remember liking it. I'm not a holiday person in general (celebrate everyday, people), but there is something particularly annoying about the big Vday.
For me, it kind of has the Mother's Day Effect. You know what I mean—the "I'm not good enough and there are so many better mothers out there and why are you celebrating such a loser like me and there is no gesture big enough to make this 'meaningful' day truly special" Effect.
Wait, is that just me? Oops.
Anyway, this is how Vday feels for me, too. Like, really, I'm supposed to think of some expensive or thoughtful or romantic way to tell my husband I love him? Remember that time when I said, "Yes, I will marry you."? Was that lifelong commitment thing not clear enough? And worse, I'm supposed to EXPECT my husband to do some big sappy gesture for me? Can we please set ourselves up for more disappointment?
That's what really gets me, I think. As if my husband doesn't really love me unless he buys me a diamond or a dozen roses. As if my husband doesn't love me unless he takes me out to a fancy dinner and writes me poetry.
I know this isn't true. I know that's not what real love is about. I really do. And yet today always makes me feel like somehow that is important. No matter how hard I try, I still think, "Wow, look what so-and-so got. I can't believe so-and-so did that. I didn't get that. I didn't DO that. Does that mean my love is less? Does that mean I'm a sucky wife? Does that mean I'm a careless jerk?"
Ugh, I hate feeling like that. I hate "celebrating" stuff I celebrate and cherish everyday.
I know I'm gonna get a bunch of people saying that's not what Vday is about, and I should do whatever I want guilt-free. And just celebrate love, Natalie! Chill out. I surely try, but I can't deny the media's influence on me. That's what advertising wants you to do—it's so much easier for them to snag you when you claim you are immune. But, well, obviously I am influenced by what I'm told I'm supposed to want. Sure, I get raging rebellious, but still.
Sometimes I do feel ugly because I'm not skinny enough. Sometimes I do feel like a horrible mother because I didn't feed my babies organic food, or teach them to read at a year, or break my back to get them into private school. Sometimes I do feel like a horrible wife because I'm not making my husband's favorite meal and buying lingerie and oh yeah I'm STILL too fat, so of course he shouldn't buy me a freaking huge, cheesy diamond or flowers or creepy stuffed animals. Why the crap do I deserve them?
I know I shouldn't feel like that, but I do on occasion. And that is the most infuriating part. I hate that some big social entity is trying to make me feel less so that I will buy their crap or do things I don't actually want to do in hopes that it will make me feel better. No thank you.
Anyway...sorry to those of you who love today. I just don't. Bah humbug.