Submission is coming. I won't tell you when it happens or any of the details, but it's coming.
I've been having little panic attacks over it here and there, the memories of my last submission experience very much haunting me. How can it not? Sometimes I get into this bad place where all I can think is, "What if it happens again? What if all this work still isn't enough? What will I do? How will I cope again? How long can I do this before I say it's over?"
It's been roughly three months since I've been on sub, and I have to admit it's nice. I feel like I'm on a break, just messing around though I've been editing and writing quite a bit. I finished a book. I finished the Big Edit on Transparent. I did the first edit of Sidekick. I'm 20k into a new project. I've been feeling great! Seriously, I've been in such a good place with my writing and confidence overall.
But then I start thinking about sub, and it all tanks. No more summer days full of fun and play. Nope. Back to school, with hard tests and teachers who might not like me. Back to sitting around waiting for the bell to ring. Back to worrying if I'll make the grade.
I keep trying to plan how best to prepare myself this time around.Go completely internet dark? Just Twitter? Or maybe I'm being a baby, and I can handle the constant deluge of news I want so badly to be my own. Yeah, probably not, because last week I got one kind of inconsiderate email and, honestly, it derailed my writing. The WIP I'd previously been flying through suddenly looked stupid. I didn't want to blog, because I was reminded just how much people are judging me. I have so much judging ahead of me, and maybe I need to save my fragile ego for that.
I don't know. I'm kind of rambling, but I guess I'm saying that it doesn't get easier. The pressure is suffocating. Sometimes I feel like there are so many people who will be disappointed if I fail again, and I really hate disappointing people. It's probably the #1 thing that rips me apart. The #2 is getting pitied, which inevitably follows the disappointing people thing. Ugh, that look people give when they feel sorry for you? Can I just go die now?
In the end, I don't know exactly how I'll handle going on submission this time, but I do know one thing: If it makes me feel like crap, I'm turning it off. I have no idea if that will mean going totally offline or just a lull in posting or maybe it won't even be noticeable. I have to take care of myself during this process—definitely learned that last time around. So please don't feel like I hate you or anything, just picture me hiding under a desk, shielding my head. That's basically what I'll be doing.